Today I pulled a 12 hour shift at my new part time job; I'm enjoying working with the babies. Unfortunately, when I had a little downtime, thoughts of him would come about. The sadness was constant today for the most part, even when I was busy.
I think some of the sadness stems from the thought of not having him in my life in any form. I think I would like to keep him as a friend as opposed to not having him in my life at all. Is that stemming from fear of change? If I don't completely let him go, will I ever be able to give myself completely to someone else? Is that impossible anyway, since he's the first man I have ever loved. Will there always be that part of me missing and will I just learn to live with it? Will there forever be a hole?
Despite my best intentions, I am unfortunately hoping I get to hear from him this weekend-and yet, there's a part of me that hopes I don't. It's getting too hard to keep pretending that I don't know he's married. I'm going to have to be out with my knowledge soon enough. Am I strong enough to do the right thing?
Tongiht, I had a breakdown in the shower and just allowed myself to cry-I had felt it coming all day. I'm just so tired of being sad, but I allowed myself to just give in to it. After recovering, I thought about where my progress was. I have been putting myself out there, trying to set up a few dates. I'm even trying Eharmony and have chatted with several nice men. I get nauseous thinking about moving on with someone else though. Is it too soon?
Am I ready to try and feel like that for someone else? Is it fair to the other person that my heart is not completely whole?