Friday, February 26, 2010

Let the healing continue...

This sad and moping person I see in the mirror recently is not me.  I have always been a strong, resilient, and happy person.  I love to laugh and I miss doing so.  I have made a decision to start enjoying and living each day as they come. I will try not to look too much towards tomorrow for fear of what I may and may not see.  I want to cherish each moment as they come to pass.   Life is way too short to spend it moping over something that will never happen.  I have great friends and a great family.  I have a lot of plans and a lot of potential.  I don't regret the past and am thankful for the memories, but I must focus on my present.  I am going to start enjoying all of the little moments as well as the big ones.  Let the healing continue...

Monday, February 22, 2010

no word.

I want to find that exciting, heart thumping, over the fence feeling again.  -I think that may have been a great line in a movie.  I had that once,I liked it a lot, and I won't settle for anything less. I'm thinking right now I just need to date around a bit, though, and spend a few months working on me.  I think I need to spend some time just browsing some potentials... and hopefully, my heart will do a flip during the process, hopefully it will heal completely, and hopefully I will find fun, exciting love once again.

I emailed him last week, just a "hi, how are you?" and got no response.  I don't know that I was expecting one, but it still hurt.  He hasn't sent me any texts this weekend, either.  I'm fading from his life, as he wants it.  It's sad when I think of my future without him in it.  Maybe I just can't see the future that God has intended....and maybe it's better than I can imagine.  I still have hope; at least he hasn't taken that from me.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

the date...

I did it.  I took a deep breath and met the guy for dinner and a movie.  I had a good time; he was nice, cute, and fairly easy to talk with.  I even got an end-of-the-date kiss.  My emotions are a little mixed and of course, I compared the poor guy to "him".  He, my date, wants to get together again.  At this point, I'm thinking I probably will go out with him again.  I just don't know if I'm feeling the excitement right now; there was no immediate chemistry.  I know I need to give him some time and not decide so quickly.  He just seems a little more "sheltered" than I am, a little "square".  Maybe that was the first impression he was trying to make, but I confess I like a little excitement-who doesn't?  Look what the last bit of excitement got me, though...

Whatever happens next, I will use this experience as another step towards healing my broken heart.  I just hope no one has to get hurt in my healing process...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Potential go or not to go?

I've been asked to out to dinner and a movie this Friday night.  I don't know if I'm ready, but here goes nothing.  I hope he's not looking for too much.  Right now, I don't have much to give, but I need to try and heal.  I need to go out, have fun, take risks and chances, but I'm not ready to fall again.  I'm not even feeling too excited about going, just nervous.  I'm talking about an "almost-but-not-quite panic, sick-on-my-stomach kind of nervous.  I don't know if that is even fair to my date.  I'm still in love with "him," but he is no longer an option.  I don't want to pass up the opportunity to meet a great guy.  I keep telling myself it's just dinner and a movie, right?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

"What Faith Can Do" ~Kutless

This song has been a comfort for me today~

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

I think I'm a penguin...

Although I have not yet gone through a box of Kleenex, today has been rough.  Valentine's day can be such a slap in the face for single people, especially those with their hearts broken.  They should name it "Single's Awareness Day."

I did text him back last night and we chatted a bit.  Nothing special.  I still couldn't bring up his marriage and he didn't mention it.  Am I in denial?

I have been asked out by a really nice guy who lives close.  I should be more excited than I am.  He seems like a great guy, a good father, fun, and he's cute too.  Maybe it is too soon.  I don't have my heart together, but I can't sit around just waiting for it to heal.  I don't want to hurt anyone because I'm not  ready, but it's only a date.  It could turn out to be a good thing.

"He" is married, unavailable, and there is no longer any hope of "us" left.  I need to move on!  I need to stop moping.

I think I am a penguin.  Penguins mate once for life.  It's tough being a penguin in these situations.  It's going against my character to have to find someone new-but research shows that penguins will select a different mate if the one from previous seasons do not return-and mine is surely not returning.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is tomorrow and I have plans to stay home.  Since I've already had a tearful breakdown today, I'm sure I will be going through a box of kleenex tomorrow.  I had an anti-Valentine's day celebration with my best friends last night.  Well, we tried anyway.  The restaurant we ate at played the saddest love songs I have ever heard.  My mood was shattered, but I hid it well and was grateful to be surrounded by my best friends.

He text me last night.  I didn't answer him back.  That's some progress, I guess.  I will text him tonight, but I need him to realize that I'm moving on.  If I can't just tell him, then I need to show him.  I had been chatting with someone else briefly and I felt some chemistry there.  Unfortunately, it was short-lived.  He's already told me he wants to pursue another relationship.  At least he was up front and immediately honest, but it just made me wonder what is wrong with me?  It made me feel unlovable and undesirable and it put me back close to square one-and I cried.

Tomorrow, I am going to bathe in my tears and avoid all human contact.  I was invited to a couple's dinner for Valentine's Day; I'd be a 9th wheel.  I will not be attending!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Some Valentine's Day humor

Had a good day today...

I have been gloriously busy, but I finally have the next four days off.  Although I can use the break, I'm a little scared about having any downtime.  I don't want to be able to take any time to think about him.  I have been feeling my heart get a little stronger each day.  I am able to think about our time together and it doesn't overwhelm me with sadness.  Thinking about him with his new wife, though, still sends an nasty jolt straight through my heart.

I am slowly realizing that my life will go on and it will be ok without him in it.  I'm feeling strong enough this week to move on and maybe allow myself to date someone again.  That thought still scares me a little too much though.

I haven't heard from him in two weeks, and there are days that I want so badly to text him.  I can't allow myself to do that, though.  I need to continue to get stronger and not regress backwards.  If I text him and he doesn't answer me back, it would break my heart all over again.  I can't let that happen.  I haven't been able to ignore his texts when they do come, but I am not going to be the one to initiate contact.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

gotta move on!

It's nice to have a busy day at work and not have time to dwell on things.  I had a good day and a good partner.   After work, while in the shower, I was thinking through some things.  I know that he was a great chapter in my life and I'm glad I got to experience what I did with him.  I don't regret any of it.  I just hate the fact that it's over and that we don't talk much anymore.  I reconfirmed that I need to move on and create new chapters in my life; I'm too young to close the book now.  After my shower, I was feeling pretty good. 

But as I sit here at the computer, the sadness is beginning to show it's ugly self.  I just miss him.  I enjoyed him. I will probably never know the answers to any of my questions and the memories are just that now, memories.  I'm hoping the sadness will continue to fade and one day be completely gone.  I am making slow progress, and I will survive.

Friday, February 5, 2010

7 stages of grief...I think I may be at stage 5 now! Today anyway

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN and GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


I feel like I am starting to heal slowly.  Even with thoughts of him today, I didn't feel so sad.  The mornings are still the hardest; I have to force myself to get up and start.  Once I get the day started, I begin to enjoy myself a little.  I haven't been checking my phone constantly for his texts anymore.  I still don't understand it-what happened-but I probably never will.  I can't waste too many days not living my life while he is living his.  I need to move on.  I'm sure I'll have good and bad days, but I have to try...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Today I pulled a 12 hour shift at my new part time job; I'm enjoying working with the babies.  Unfortunately, when I had a little downtime, thoughts of him would come about.  The sadness was constant today for the most part, even when I was busy.

I think some of the sadness stems from the thought of not having him in my life in any form.  I think I would like to keep him as a friend as opposed to not having him in my life at all.  Is that stemming from fear of change?  If I don't completely let him go, will I ever be able to give myself completely to someone else?  Is that impossible anyway, since he's the first man I have ever loved.  Will there always be that part of me missing and will I just learn to live with it?  Will there forever be a hole?

Despite my best intentions, I am unfortunately hoping I get to hear from him this weekend-and yet, there's a part of me that hopes I don't.  It's getting too hard to keep pretending that I don't know he's married.  I'm going to have to be out with my knowledge soon enough.  Am I strong enough to do the right thing? 

Tongiht, I had a breakdown in the shower and just allowed myself to cry-I had felt it coming all day.  I'm just so tired of being sad, but I allowed myself to just give in to it.  After recovering, I thought about where my progress was.  I have been putting myself out there, trying to set up a few dates.  I'm even trying Eharmony and have chatted with several nice men.  I get nauseous thinking about moving on with someone else though.  Is it too soon?

Am I ready to try and feel like that for someone else?  Is it fair to the other person that my heart is not completely whole?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

the next six days...

 I've scheduled myself to work the next six days.  Since I now have three jobs, it's very easy to fill my days with work.  I need to do something for awhile; I need to be so busy that I don't have time to dwell on the sadness.  I want to come home exhausted so I fall asleep early and not sit around hoping to see him online on the computer or lay around all day on the couch moping about losing the love of  my life.  I can't let him or depression win; I won't let them.  I have too much life left to live, too many opportunities, too many great friends to just waste away on someone who doesn't deserve what's left of my life.

I was just so in love; I'd finally found someone.  The saddest thing is it was a one-sided love.  That may sink in, one day...


Last night, I fell asleep fast.  I am physically and emotionally draining myself.  I did have some crazy dreams that I can't completely recall, but left me with that uneasy feeling upon waking.  I woke early having fallen asleep once again on the couch, but couldn't bare to get up and get started.  I laid there until 1145 this morning; I think depression may have found me.

I haven't found myself crying in over a week, but the sadness and the dull ache continues to show their presence.    I know I need to move on; I really do.  I need to stop dwelling on him being with her and married.  It breaks my heart and makes me sick on my stomach whenever those thoughts seize me.

After this, am I ever going to be able to feel love for someone else?  Will I be comfortable and able to trust another?  Will I forever be alone because of how broken this has made me?

I am already finding myself looking forward to the weekend hoping to hear from him.  What if I don't? Will I be devastated all over again?  What am I doing to myself?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Long day...

All I have to say about was a long day at work.  I still thought about him a lot, but I think my heart and my mind are starting to see him in the same light finally.  The ache is slowly subsiding but remains constant and dull. I don't know if I feel a little better because I talked to him some this weekend or because maybe I'm finally coming to terms.  I know he will forever have a special place in my heart. Even though he broke me, I don't know that I will ever be able to hate him.

I haven't been able to stop myself from daydreaming that one day his marriage will fail and he'll come back to me.  That makes me feel mean, and a bit dumb.