Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Spring's here...can't you feel it?

Spring has sprung and I am loving it.  After working eight hours and being stuck inside, then coming home to a list of chores inside my house, I couldn't take it any longer.  My IPOD and I took an hour long walk along the scenic hills of my neighborhood.  It was therapeutic to say the least.  I have been purposefully trying to enjoy each day, one day at a time.  It may be working.  I try not to think much about the past, although it creeps in every once in awhile.  I'm moving forward and making plans for the spring and summer...and I'm excited!  Who knows what it will bring.  I can't wait to see...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I have never been much of a runner up until last year about this time.  I started out on a treadmill then started running at a park near my house.  I became a little addicted once I ran outside.  Last year, I was running barely one mile, and now I am up to three miles.  Some friends and I are training for a 5K in April.  I have decided that running is an escape for me.  Whether I'm just running along with others or by myself with my ipod, I just lose myself and can escape all of my thoughts.  The feeling of accomplishment when I am finished and the rush of energy is just breathtaking-literally.  The training I have been doing has taken me to many scenic places and I get a glimpse of the first days of spring.  It's so exhilirating running with the sun shining, a cool breeze blowing, and watching the trees and flowers show their first blooms of the season.  Spring is my favorite time of year and running is a great way for me to enjoy it!  I would definitely recommend giving it a try...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

the beach; my "happy" place

What a better way to put a smile on my face then to take me to the beach.  So tomorrow, my favorite cousin and I are headed to South Carolina for the weekend.  We are going to play and then play some more.  And while we are there, we are going to make a long stop by the ocean and play a little more.  

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

One of my favorite people...

So my five year old nephew tells me his story of the day.  The boy could be a comedian, but then again, I may be a little biased.  He is definitely one of my favorite little people and therefore I'm sure I'll share lots of stories about him. 

He calls me and says, "Aunt ***, the neighbor kid was throwing rocks at us today and saying mean things to my sister (who is 8, by the way).  I told him to leave us alone and I kicked him.  He quit throwing rocks at us then.  Yep, I got all up in his world, Aunt ***."  Where do they get these phrases??

After stifling a laugh, I made sure to nicely inform him of how wrong fighting is...I'm not sure if it sunk in though; he was too proud of his actions.

Friday, March 19, 2010

things that make me smile.

It's a new day!  And spring officially begins tomorrow!!

I was hoping this blog to be a therapeutic venue to get my feelings out there so I could move on and heal-although it has been that some,I have more so turned it into a venue that has not allowed me to work towards moving on.  It has facilitated my holding on to the heart break instead of letting it go.

So, I am changing the plans for it starting with today.  I am going to tell funny stories from the events of my day or blog about things that make me smile.  I want to focus on the good things that take place in my life because there is a lot of them; by focusing on such, maybe I can start to be truly happy again.  And maybe every once in awhile I will update on the "status" of my heart.

Today, I was at work and watched two elderly gentlemen walk past.  They were the sweetest things and the sight of them delighted my heart.  The elderly have a way, just as babies do, of putting a smile on my face.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day...

I've already seen a leprechaun and received a kiss...

One of the blogs I love, blogged about the effects of red wine on women...maybe it works for men too...wonder if the fireman in this video had a glass or two...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm broke...the weekends are the worst.

Two weeks ago, he asked me if I'd want to hang out-and I haven't talked to him since.  I just don't get why he needs to keep playing with me like that.  Is he being truthful when he says he wants to see me and that he always had fun with me?  Why does he keep saying such if it's not true? 

And why do I even keep considering it?   He's married.  That thought keeps escaping me; no, not really-I guess I am just in denial.  That isn't healthy;  I shouldn't even want to see him or talk to him.  I guess I should be thankful he's three and a half hours away; it makes it really easy not to run into him.  My problem is that I would love to run into him . 

I may give in to the temptation to text him today.  I know I shouldn't, but I'd love to know he's ok-not that I should expect a response.

I've been out with two other guys since he broke my heart.  I didn't feel a thing.  Am I ruined?  Will I ever find someone else that excites me, that I have fun with, that I can love? 

I know I sound pathetic, and I don't like it myself.  I think, even though I tried not to, I put too much hope that my blind date would be "exciting" and what I needed.  Although it was a nice time, I was disappointed.  It's not going to go anywhere most likely.  I didn't feel any kind of attraction.  So, I'm back at square one and woke up feeling empty again.  What was it that made him so "perfect" for me?

oh well...

I had a nice time on my blind date.  I wasn't totally disappointed, but I don't understand how people can be so off when trying to "pick" my type for me.  I guess that's the downfall of most blind dates; no one can pick a partner for you-except you.  I was gratefully she tried and thought of me.

I'm not saying it was a bad night, just a spark-less night.  He was nice and not at all ugly; I just couldn't picture myself with him long term and I felt no attraction.  The date was pleasant and not uncomfortable, though.  I think a friendship could definitely bloom from this.

As far as love goes, I am looking for someone to get under my skin; someone to make me laugh.  I don't want someone obnoxious or rude, but someone easy going and fun, and some intelligence is a must. I love adventure so I'd like to find someone who liked to seek thrills now and then.  Being cute would be a bonus, but a good personality can help improve anyone's looks.

I did have a weird dream last night but definitely not unpleasant.  I have recently been in contact with a former crush from my high school days.  Well, actually I met him shortly after high school.  He made the first move telling me he liked me, and once I decided I liked him too, we got together when we could.  He went off to college so I couldn't see him very often; thank goodness for the telephone.  He, unfortunately, broke my heart though, when he decided to start dating my best friend instead.  She had a way of doing that anytime I was interested in someone-stealing them away-but this time it really hurt.

Well, back to the dream.   My former crush and I have recently been chatting as friends, almost nightly for the past week or so.  He found me on facebook and we've just been catching up.  Anyway, I had a dream about him last night that makes me wonder what kind of feelings may be developing for him that I am unaware of.  Then again, the dream could have stemmed from past feelings.  I have to say it has been nice talking to him lately.  Guess I will take this one day at a time.

There is no real update to give on the whole reason for this blog.  I haven't heard from him since last Saturday, and I didn't get to chat with him then.  He hasn't even tried to text me since, and as bad as I want to, I know I really shouldn't text him.  Oh, will these feelings for him and this missing him ever go away? There are moments when I feel like I don't want him anymore.  Unfortunately, those are short lasting.  I'm hoping those moments will start to get longer and longer; my life sure would be easier-or at least less sad.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

You'll think of me...


I am thankful for the days when there is only one set of footprints in the sand...

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"Would you want to hang out?" Seriously?

I have been full of sadness today.  I have this longing to talk to him and I know that I can't-or even if I tried, he wouldn't respond back.  I was reading some of our old emails from last year.  I guess I need to stop that.  They make me smile, but then they fill me with a sense of loss and despair...

Why is this so hard?  I hadn't cried over him in about a month, but within the last two days, I have relapsed.  I have been easily brought to tears and it makes me feel like an idiot.   If I could just pinpoint why I can't seem to get past this.  Truthfully, I know why.  Last weekend, he text me on Friday and Saturday.  We talked about one of our dates.  Then he told me he had a free day coming up soon and asked me if I'd want to hang out.  What is he trying to do to me?  Of course, I want to hang out and see him.  What are his expectations, though?  Why can't he just let me go and more so still, why can't I let him go?  Why is my heart still hanging on to someone who lied and manipulated me?  He still hasn't mentioned his marriage-I guess the 200+ miles of separation makes him think he can continue to lie about it.  My mind is not letting me believe that he really wants to hang out; I think it's just a tactic he's using to ensure that he still has a hold on me.  After that conversation, I didn't hear from him until this weekend-a whole week went by.  He didn't text me until really late on Saturday and I was asleep, so I missed it. When I text him Sunday morning, I didn't get a response back.  Therefore, I didn't get to talk to him this weekend, and I think that's where the sadness is stemming from.  I keep telling myself to just let him go; I know I need to.  I need to put an end to me turning into this pathetic person.

I have had some really good days lately.  Guess it was time for a bad one.  I'll get through it, pick myself up, and try again tomorrow...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Monday again...

The weeks are flying by.  I don't like it, but I am really glad that the weather is getting warmer finally.

I'm making plans and trying to move on with my life.  Saturday is the anticipated blind date. I'm having dinner at my friend's house to meet this friend of hers.  I'm liking the casual set up of the whole situation.  It could be a step in the right direction.  She says she has a feeling about us.

I have some spring and summer plans lined up.  I have tickets to Daughtry and Lifehouse in June.  My girlfriends and I are planning a beach trip in June too.  Plus, I have a weekend trip to the beach planned at the end of this month.  We are thinking about a ziplining adventure soon.  I'm running a 5K in April and have been practicing for that-I allowed myself to buy some new running shoes today.  I've been spending a lot of time with my best friends; they have been a God send.  I am so blessed that they are a part of my life.  In addition to all that, I am working three jobs.

I am a work in progress.  Eventually, I'm going to have to spend some time alone with myself to see where I really am in this whole "healing of the heart" process.  Right now, I'm just trying to stay busy and avoid feeling the sadness.  One day soon, it won't be there anymore.  I know I'll be ok and my life will be fun again.  I really do miss him, but I think I'm mostly afraid that I will never feel for someone else like I did for him.  It was so easy and comfortable and right-at least I thought so.  But I've got to keep trying and maybe one day it will happen.

The memories still make me sad and happy all at the same time.  They are great memories...and then I realize that's all I'll ever have of him.   At least I'll always have those, and it's time to make some new ones with new people.  It would be great to find someone that wants to be with me....and shouldn't I want that?  Why keep wasting so much thought and energy on someone who doesn't want to be with me?  I'll end tonight with this quote, "Don't make someone a priority if you are just their option."

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

work, work, work...

I'm a little annoyed tonite.  I had a phone conversation with the guy I recently went on a date with.  I hadn't talked to him in a couple of days; I've been working a lot.  I guess if I was real interested, I'd have made time to talk to him.  Maybe that should tell me something.  The phone conversation was painstakingly hard.  He said, "does it feel like we struggle to find something to talk about when we're on the phone?"  Uh, yeah!  He has become a little obnoxious with some of the things he says.  He told me he thinks I've been avoiding him.  He also made the statement, "I hope you're saving all that money from working so much."  What's worse, that he could have been accusing me of lying about my schedule or that he's already giving me money advice?  I guess I'm just easily irritated these days or maybe I'm looking for an excuse to get irritated.

On a more positive note, I'm excited about my blind date next week.  I hope my heart is in the right place.  From what I've learned, we have quite a bit in common.  I'd hate to miss out on something wonderful because of where my heart is.  A good friend suggested we meet and she's been successful at match making in the past, so it could work out.  We'll see; I am trying not to put too much "hope" into it, but still approach the opportunity optimistically.  If nothing else, it'll be a fun night out.

I'm tired.  Been working-and spending ;)-a lot, so I'm going to bed...

Monday, March 1, 2010

this about sums up my questions...

This song sounds like a conversation that I would like to have with him.  Will I ever get the courage?  Should I even bother at this point?

Just another manic Monday...

Today, I worked.  I spent most of my 12 hours working with a new baby who had a rough start.  She swallowed and aspirated some meconium at birth.  She did fairly well for the amount that we suctioned out of her.  Despite our efforts, she needed a little more help with her breathing then the small hospital could offer and we had to transport her to our children's hospital.  I'm pretty sure she is going to do just fine, though.  It was nice to be so focused on someone else for a change.  A job well done is a good feeling to end a work day with too.

As far as my most recent date, I don't think it's going to go anywhere.  Is it just too soon or is it lack of chemistry?  He's actually called me almost everyday (almost annoyingly), but I've missed most of his calls due to my work schedule.  I do return his calls, but the conversation on the phone is just not flowing.  I'm not really feeling any chemistry and he's such a nice guy.  Oh well, sometimes it's there; sometimes not.  I do already have a date planned-with someone else-the weekend after next.  It's a blind date set up by a friend, but he sounds interesting.  I'm excited about this one....

I'm working on the's an ongoing process.  I read a quote yesterday.  "When your heart speaks, take good notes."  I'm listening!