Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"Would you want to hang out?" Seriously?

I have been full of sadness today.  I have this longing to talk to him and I know that I can't-or even if I tried, he wouldn't respond back.  I was reading some of our old emails from last year.  I guess I need to stop that.  They make me smile, but then they fill me with a sense of loss and despair...

Why is this so hard?  I hadn't cried over him in about a month, but within the last two days, I have relapsed.  I have been easily brought to tears and it makes me feel like an idiot.   If I could just pinpoint why I can't seem to get past this.  Truthfully, I know why.  Last weekend, he text me on Friday and Saturday.  We talked about one of our dates.  Then he told me he had a free day coming up soon and asked me if I'd want to hang out.  What is he trying to do to me?  Of course, I want to hang out and see him.  What are his expectations, though?  Why can't he just let me go and more so still, why can't I let him go?  Why is my heart still hanging on to someone who lied and manipulated me?  He still hasn't mentioned his marriage-I guess the 200+ miles of separation makes him think he can continue to lie about it.  My mind is not letting me believe that he really wants to hang out; I think it's just a tactic he's using to ensure that he still has a hold on me.  After that conversation, I didn't hear from him until this weekend-a whole week went by.  He didn't text me until really late on Saturday and I was asleep, so I missed it. When I text him Sunday morning, I didn't get a response back.  Therefore, I didn't get to talk to him this weekend, and I think that's where the sadness is stemming from.  I keep telling myself to just let him go; I know I need to.  I need to put an end to me turning into this pathetic person.

I have had some really good days lately.  Guess it was time for a bad one.  I'll get through it, pick myself up, and try again tomorrow...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Your thoughts are welcome here :)