A phone call??

I guess my response to his email elicited a few text messages back and forth, which then led to a phone call.  I was laying on the couch and when I heard his ringtone, I almost stopped breathing.  We talked, not too comfortably, for about fifteen minutes.  I think between being exhausted from this week and confused about him, I didn't know what to say or how to act.  I still couldn't confront him.  We talked a little about my grandma, his family, and work.  It was so nice to hear his voice, though.  The heart ache even subsided just slightly.

I am so confused as to what to do.  I know what the right thing would be.  Will I be able to keep communicating with him knowing what I do?  Will this be progress or regression?  There will never be anything but friendship between us now.  Can I handle that?  Am I ready for that?  I just don't know.  He's married, he's lying, and what does he want with me?  Why can't he be honest with me and why can't he just let me go if things are so good with his new wife?

I can't let this torture last for long or surely it will destroy me.

the message

Gram's funeral service was today.   It was really good to see my aunts and uncles with my mom, all together for the first time in about ten years.  It's sad that it took a tragedy to get that to happen.  The service was good; the preacher made us laugh and think about some good memories of Gram.  I grew sad, though, when I realized I was the only one alone.  Everyone, except me, had a "partner".  How selfish is that? I'm at my Gram's funeral feeling sad because I am alone-because he broke my heart.  I wasn't looking forward to coming home.

But I knew I had to eventually read the message from him.  So, I did.  He didn't mention anything about his marriage or my gram.  He simply apologized for not keeping in touch and had the usual "busy" excuse.  He promised to keep in touch more.  How do I respond?

I could play dumb.  Pretend I don't know he's married.  It's not like I will ever see him again.  Or I could confront him and tell him what I know and maybe one day be able to move on-find someone who will love me.  For now I responded by telling him about my gram and sending a "hope you are good. Keep in touch when you can."  I couldn't bring myself to confront him just yet.  I have to keep reminding myself that he is a liar and he is married.  The sad thing is that for the first time this month, I have just an ounce of joy in my heart.  How sick is that?

got a message today...

So, I just got home from the viewing of my Gram.  It went well and I held it together pretty good.  She looked precious lying there. 

When I checked my email, I was surprised (and unfortunately delighted) to see a message from him.  I didn't read it yet; I can't bring myself to do it.  There's so much I want it to say and so much I don't want it to say.  I'm afraid of the disappointment and heart break that the message is capable of bringing.  I'm sure it's one line..."sorry to hear about your grandma".  I don't know what to say to him.  "Thanks and congrats on your marriage?"

relapsing

This morning is not such a good one.  I have no energy or desire to get started with the day.  I have to go to my Gram's viewing today and I'm just not emotional together.  When is the pain he caused going to go away?  Why can't I just pull myself out of this depression? 

I havent' heard from him in over a month.  Not one single word.  How is it possible that I still yearn to hear from him, to talk to him?  He has broken me. 

I need to know that I meant a little something, but maybe I didn't.  I think the question I need answered is "why?" but I may never get that answer...

My grandma died yesterday...

So yesterday, Wednesday January 27th at 0520, my grandma went to be with Jesus.  She was a big part of my life and very special, but she is no longer suffering.  I have had many special moments with her.

It just happened unexpectedly.  She went into the hospital for dehydration, and it turned out she had pneumonia in both lungs which were already weakened by COPD.  She was talking to us Tuesday afternoon and by that evening, had become unresponsive.  I think all of the family is still trying to absorb the shock. 

And speaking of family...there is quite a gathering in her honor.  It's sad that it takes a tragedy to bring everyone together, but it's so good to see how blessed we are. 

It heals my broken heart a bit to see what I am blessed with. I have also stepped towards healing my broken relationship with God. I've just been angry with Him; I haven't understood His plans and haven't been able to look towards the future.  I just know that I am hurting right now and have unfortunately blamed Him instead of turning to Him for comfort.

Progress is being made.  My gram was always so giving to me...and she may have helped me make the first step to healing my shattered heart.

Reminiscing

I wish I could stop reminiscing so much about our time together.  There are some great memories, though.  I don't regret any of it and enjoyed every minute of it.  I always told him I thought he was a great guy, and somehow despite his lies, I still do.  There is a Dr. Seuss saying, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."  I just wish it were that easy.  I smile because it happened but I am also devastated because it's over.

This situation has made me realize how weak I am.  I have always been independent, strong-willed, and together.  But today, now, the past three weeks, I have been broken and weak.  My heart physically pains.  Am I ever going to be able to feel love for someone again?  Am I ever going to be able to trust a man again?  Did I make him too important to me and now that he is gone, I'm feeling too empty?

this morning

This morning, I woke up sad with thoughts of him on my mind.  I think about him with his new wife.  I have mean thoughts-hoping he's not happy with her or her with him.  Does he think about me at all?  I sometimes want to ask him, but wouldn't it be better just to let it go?  It's not like I am going to change anything.  Marriage is so "permanent", but  I guess not quite as much these days.  He hasn't tried to communicate with me in any form.  I think I'm struggling with this because we talked all the time and just to all of a sudden not...I miss him.  I wish I didn't.  I wish my days weren't filled with thoughts of him.

I want to stop thinking about them together because it breaks my heart.  I don't even know her; she may be a wonderful person.   I wouldn't think she ever knew about me.

In an effort to heal, I've been keeping myself exhaustingly busy these past three weeks with work and friends.  Thank God for my friends!  I can't take sitting around alone.  I don't want to cry anymore.

my feelings exactly...

Although, I'm not quite that stitched up yet-working on it, though. 

Can't sleep...

I'm having trouble sleeping and I have to be up in about six hours.  This is nothing unusual of late.  My thoughts just won't turn off-all the burning questions.  This Thursday, it will be a whole month since I've heard from him.  He wished me a happy new year on January 1st and then got married on January 3rd.  I "accidentally" found this information out; he didn't tell me.  Guess it's good to be curious and do a little investigating, but you have to be careful.  You might not like what you find out.  I haven't heard from him since New Year's Eve, so he's not aware that I know.   I just wonder what his intentions had been and why he didn't just tell me.  Why did he pretend to care about me?  Why didn't he end it when he realized his feelings for this other girl?   I haven't confronted him about it, either.  I haven't tried to contact him since I found out; I just don't have the strength.  I shouldn't want to talk to him anyway; I don't think any normal person would.  But I do.  That's so not  right.  I wish my heart and my head would get on the same page.  I wish my heart would stop loving him.  These constant thoughts in my head right now-no wonder sleep escapes me.  I'm tired...

first step to mending

My heart is broken like it has never been before.  I don't even know where to begin to start mending it, and so I thought maybe I could journal my way to healing.  I have always been so blase` about men until this last one.  I was all in; he was the one.  I fell hard.  I think the worst part of this whole situation is that in the end I realized how little I meant to him.  15 months I gave to him, and then he dropped me like a hot plate without an oven mitt and without an explanation.  There was no warning about what else was taking place. 

I have spent the last three weeks in a bit of shock, now that the over-bearing sadness has turned into a dull but ever present ache in my chest.  The man, whom I thought was the one, married someone else three weeks ago.  He talked to me just three days before this "committment" of his.  He told me how he wished he was with me (instead of three hours away), that he was really glad he met me, and that he thought I was an awesome person.  Was that his way of saying goodbye??