You'll think of me...

Footprints

I am thankful for the days when there is only one set of footprints in the sand...

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

"Would you want to hang out?" Seriously?

I have been full of sadness today.  I have this longing to talk to him and I know that I can't-or even if I tried, he wouldn't respond back.  I was reading some of our old emails from last year.  I guess I need to stop that.  They make me smile, but then they fill me with a sense of loss and despair...

Why is this so hard?  I hadn't cried over him in about a month, but within the last two days, I have relapsed.  I have been easily brought to tears and it makes me feel like an idiot.   If I could just pinpoint why I can't seem to get past this.  Truthfully, I know why.  Last weekend, he text me on Friday and Saturday.  We talked about one of our dates.  Then he told me he had a free day coming up soon and asked me if I'd want to hang out.  What is he trying to do to me?  Of course, I want to hang out and see him.  What are his expectations, though?  Why can't he just let me go and more so still, why can't I let him go?  Why is my heart still hanging on to someone who lied and manipulated me?  He still hasn't mentioned his marriage-I guess the 200+ miles of separation makes him think he can continue to lie about it.  My mind is not letting me believe that he really wants to hang out; I think it's just a tactic he's using to ensure that he still has a hold on me.  After that conversation, I didn't hear from him until this weekend-a whole week went by.  He didn't text me until really late on Saturday and I was asleep, so I missed it. When I text him Sunday morning, I didn't get a response back.  Therefore, I didn't get to talk to him this weekend, and I think that's where the sadness is stemming from.  I keep telling myself to just let him go; I know I need to.  I need to put an end to me turning into this pathetic person.

I have had some really good days lately.  Guess it was time for a bad one.  I'll get through it, pick myself up, and try again tomorrow...

Monday again...

The weeks are flying by.  I don't like it, but I am really glad that the weather is getting warmer finally.

I'm making plans and trying to move on with my life.  Saturday is the anticipated blind date. I'm having dinner at my friend's house to meet this friend of hers.  I'm liking the casual set up of the whole situation.  It could be a step in the right direction.  She says she has a feeling about us.

I have some spring and summer plans lined up.  I have tickets to Daughtry and Lifehouse in June.  My girlfriends and I are planning a beach trip in June too.  Plus, I have a weekend trip to the beach planned at the end of this month.  We are thinking about a ziplining adventure soon.  I'm running a 5K in April and have been practicing for that-I allowed myself to buy some new running shoes today.  I've been spending a lot of time with my best friends; they have been a God send.  I am so blessed that they are a part of my life.  In addition to all that, I am working three jobs.

I am a work in progress.  Eventually, I'm going to have to spend some time alone with myself to see where I really am in this whole "healing of the heart" process.  Right now, I'm just trying to stay busy and avoid feeling the sadness.  One day soon, it won't be there anymore.  I know I'll be ok and my life will be fun again.  I really do miss him, but I think I'm mostly afraid that I will never feel for someone else like I did for him.  It was so easy and comfortable and right-at least I thought so.  But I've got to keep trying and maybe one day it will happen.

The memories still make me sad and happy all at the same time.  They are great memories...and then I realize that's all I'll ever have of him.   At least I'll always have those, and it's time to make some new ones with new people.  It would be great to find someone that wants to be with me....and shouldn't I want that?  Why keep wasting so much thought and energy on someone who doesn't want to be with me?  I'll end tonight with this quote, "Don't make someone a priority if you are just their option."

work, work, work...

I'm a little annoyed tonite.  I had a phone conversation with the guy I recently went on a date with.  I hadn't talked to him in a couple of days; I've been working a lot.  I guess if I was real interested, I'd have made time to talk to him.  Maybe that should tell me something.  The phone conversation was painstakingly hard.  He said, "does it feel like we struggle to find something to talk about when we're on the phone?"  Uh, yeah!  He has become a little obnoxious with some of the things he says.  He told me he thinks I've been avoiding him.  He also made the statement, "I hope you're saving all that money from working so much."  What's worse, that he could have been accusing me of lying about my schedule or that he's already giving me money advice?  I guess I'm just easily irritated these days or maybe I'm looking for an excuse to get irritated.

On a more positive note, I'm excited about my blind date next week.  I hope my heart is in the right place.  From what I've learned, we have quite a bit in common.  I'd hate to miss out on something wonderful because of where my heart is.  A good friend suggested we meet and she's been successful at match making in the past, so it could work out.  We'll see; I am trying not to put too much "hope" into it, but still approach the opportunity optimistically.  If nothing else, it'll be a fun night out.

I'm tired.  Been working-and spending ;)-a lot, so I'm going to bed...

this about sums up my questions...

This song sounds like a conversation that I would like to have with him.  Will I ever get the courage?  Should I even bother at this point?

Just another manic Monday...

Today, I worked.  I spent most of my 12 hours working with a new baby who had a rough start.  She swallowed and aspirated some meconium at birth.  She did fairly well for the amount that we suctioned out of her.  Despite our efforts, she needed a little more help with her breathing then the small hospital could offer and we had to transport her to our children's hospital.  I'm pretty sure she is going to do just fine, though.  It was nice to be so focused on someone else for a change.  A job well done is a good feeling to end a work day with too.

As far as my most recent date, I don't think it's going to go anywhere.  Is it just too soon or is it lack of chemistry?  He's actually called me almost everyday (almost annoyingly), but I've missed most of his calls due to my work schedule.  I do return his calls, but the conversation on the phone is just not flowing.  I'm not really feeling any chemistry and he's such a nice guy.  Oh well, sometimes it's there; sometimes not.  I do already have a date planned-with someone else-the weekend after next.  It's a blind date set up by a friend, but he sounds interesting.  I'm excited about this one....

I'm working on the heart...it's an ongoing process.  I read a quote yesterday.  "When your heart speaks, take good notes."  I'm listening!