I have been full of sadness today. I have this longing to talk to him and I know that I can't-or even if I tried, he wouldn't respond back. I was reading some of our old emails from last year. I guess I need to stop that. They make me smile, but then they fill me with a sense of loss and despair...
Why is this so hard? I hadn't cried over him in about a month, but within the last two days, I have relapsed. I have been easily brought to tears and it makes me feel like an idiot. If I could just pinpoint why I can't seem to get past this. Truthfully, I know why. Last weekend, he text me on Friday and Saturday. We talked about one of our dates. Then he told me he had a free day coming up soon and asked me if I'd want to hang out. What is he trying to do to me? Of course, I want to hang out and see him. What are his expectations, though? Why can't he just let me go and more so still, why can't I let him go? Why is my heart still hanging on to someone who lied and manipulated me? He still hasn't mentioned his marriage-I guess the 200+ miles of separation makes him think he can continue to lie about it. My mind is not letting me believe that he really wants to hang out; I think it's just a tactic he's using to ensure that he still has a hold on me. After that conversation, I didn't hear from him until this weekend-a whole week went by. He didn't text me until really late on Saturday and I was asleep, so I missed it. When I text him Sunday morning, I didn't get a response back. Therefore, I didn't get to talk to him this weekend, and I think that's where the sadness is stemming from. I keep telling myself to just let him go; I know I need to. I need to put an end to me turning into this pathetic person.
I have had some really good days lately. Guess it was time for a bad one. I'll get through it, pick myself up, and try again tomorrow...
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