breakdown

Today I pulled a 12 hour shift at my new part time job; I'm enjoying working with the babies.  Unfortunately, when I had a little downtime, thoughts of him would come about.  The sadness was constant today for the most part, even when I was busy.

I think some of the sadness stems from the thought of not having him in my life in any form.  I think I would like to keep him as a friend as opposed to not having him in my life at all.  Is that stemming from fear of change?  If I don't completely let him go, will I ever be able to give myself completely to someone else?  Is that impossible anyway, since he's the first man I have ever loved.  Will there always be that part of me missing and will I just learn to live with it?  Will there forever be a hole?

Despite my best intentions, I am unfortunately hoping I get to hear from him this weekend-and yet, there's a part of me that hopes I don't.  It's getting too hard to keep pretending that I don't know he's married.  I'm going to have to be out with my knowledge soon enough.  Am I strong enough to do the right thing? 

Tongiht, I had a breakdown in the shower and just allowed myself to cry-I had felt it coming all day.  I'm just so tired of being sad, but I allowed myself to just give in to it.  After recovering, I thought about where my progress was.  I have been putting myself out there, trying to set up a few dates.  I'm even trying Eharmony and have chatted with several nice men.  I get nauseous thinking about moving on with someone else though.  Is it too soon?

Am I ready to try and feel like that for someone else?  Is it fair to the other person that my heart is not completely whole?