Let the healing continue...

This sad and moping person I see in the mirror recently is not me.  I have always been a strong, resilient, and happy person.  I love to laugh and I miss doing so.  I have made a decision to start enjoying and living each day as they come. I will try not to look too much towards tomorrow for fear of what I may and may not see.  I want to cherish each moment as they come to pass.   Life is way too short to spend it moping over something that will never happen.  I have great friends and a great family.  I have a lot of plans and a lot of potential.  I don't regret the past and am thankful for the memories, but I must focus on my present.  I am going to start enjoying all of the little moments as well as the big ones.  Let the healing continue...

no word.

I want to find that exciting, heart thumping, over the fence feeling again.  -I think that may have been a great line in a movie.  I had that once,I liked it a lot, and I won't settle for anything less. I'm thinking right now I just need to date around a bit, though, and spend a few months working on me.  I think I need to spend some time just browsing some potentials... and hopefully, my heart will do a flip during the process, hopefully it will heal completely, and hopefully I will find fun, exciting love once again.

I emailed him last week, just a "hi, how are you?" and got no response.  I don't know that I was expecting one, but it still hurt.  He hasn't sent me any texts this weekend, either.  I'm fading from his life, as he wants it.  It's sad when I think of my future without him in it.  Maybe I just can't see the future that God has intended....and maybe it's better than I can imagine.  I still have hope; at least he hasn't taken that from me.

the date...

I did it.  I took a deep breath and met the guy for dinner and a movie.  I had a good time; he was nice, cute, and fairly easy to talk with.  I even got an end-of-the-date kiss.  My emotions are a little mixed and of course, I compared the poor guy to "him".  He, my date, wants to get together again.  At this point, I'm thinking I probably will go out with him again.  I just don't know if I'm feeling the excitement right now; there was no immediate chemistry.  I know I need to give him some time and not decide so quickly.  He just seems a little more "sheltered" than I am, a little "square".  Maybe that was the first impression he was trying to make, but I confess I like a little excitement-who doesn't?  Look what the last bit of excitement got me, though...

Whatever happens next, I will use this experience as another step towards healing my broken heart.  I just hope no one has to get hurt in my healing process...

Potential date...to go or not to go?

I've been asked to out to dinner and a movie this Friday night.  I don't know if I'm ready, but here goes nothing.  I hope he's not looking for too much.  Right now, I don't have much to give, but I need to try and heal.  I need to go out, have fun, take risks and chances, but I'm not ready to fall again.  I'm not even feeling too excited about going, just nervous.  I'm talking about an "almost-but-not-quite panic, sick-on-my-stomach kind of nervous.  I don't know if that is even fair to my date.  I'm still in love with "him," but he is no longer an option.  I don't want to pass up the opportunity to meet a great guy.  I keep telling myself it's just dinner and a movie, right?

"What Faith Can Do" ~Kutless

This song has been a comfort for me today~

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

I think I'm a penguin...

Although I have not yet gone through a box of Kleenex, today has been rough.  Valentine's day can be such a slap in the face for single people, especially those with their hearts broken.  They should name it "Single's Awareness Day."

I did text him back last night and we chatted a bit.  Nothing special.  I still couldn't bring up his marriage and he didn't mention it.  Am I in denial?

I have been asked out by a really nice guy who lives close.  I should be more excited than I am.  He seems like a great guy, a good father, fun, and he's cute too.  Maybe it is too soon.  I don't have my heart together, but I can't sit around just waiting for it to heal.  I don't want to hurt anyone because I'm not  ready, but it's only a date.  It could turn out to be a good thing.

"He" is married, unavailable, and there is no longer any hope of "us" left.  I need to move on!  I need to stop moping.

I think I am a penguin.  Penguins mate once for life.  It's tough being a penguin in these situations.  It's going against my character to have to find someone new-but research shows that penguins will select a different mate if the one from previous seasons do not return-and mine is surely not returning.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is tomorrow and I have plans to stay home.  Since I've already had a tearful breakdown today, I'm sure I will be going through a box of kleenex tomorrow.  I had an anti-Valentine's day celebration with my best friends last night.  Well, we tried anyway.  The restaurant we ate at played the saddest love songs I have ever heard.  My mood was shattered, but I hid it well and was grateful to be surrounded by my best friends.

He text me last night.  I didn't answer him back.  That's some progress, I guess.  I will text him tonight, but I need him to realize that I'm moving on.  If I can't just tell him, then I need to show him.  I had been chatting with someone else briefly and I felt some chemistry there.  Unfortunately, it was short-lived.  He's already told me he wants to pursue another relationship.  At least he was up front and immediately honest, but it just made me wonder what is wrong with me?  It made me feel unlovable and undesirable and it put me back close to square one-and I cried.

Tomorrow, I am going to bathe in my tears and avoid all human contact.  I was invited to a couple's dinner for Valentine's Day; I'd be a 9th wheel.  I will not be attending!